When love struck Berwald
by LillyOfFire
Summary: …it was a plate of spaghetti. In his face. Human!AU - SuFin two-shot crackfic for the amazing Republic-of-Yolossia. I don't own anything but my twisted mind. Rated for language.
1. Chapter 1

**CHAPTER 1**

A/N – Hello everyone! I know, you must be wondering what the hell I am doing right now, writing something else than what I should, as in #ripongoingfics. Please don't despair, it's just one of those plot bunnies which are so crazy and stupid that one just HAS to write (God, I've been itching to write some crack!) And, as with all things love-related, it will be quick and dirty (why do I have the feeling that I said this before?! Hmmm… oh well.) Enjoy!

* * *

The mild autumn sun was warm, filtering through the rusting leaves and the breeze was gentle and soothing, playfully caressing Elizaveta's chestnut locks as she sat on a withdrawn bench under the trees, her neatly polished nails drumming softly on the binder in her lap. A mischievous smile lifted the corners of her mouth as she observed the crowd of students lingering in small groups around the school entrance.

"Ah, a brand new school year…" her friend Kiku sighed, slightly bored. "Well, at least with the joint classes we have this year, maybe we'll get to know some new people?"

"Heh, I actually think it's time for another round of 'Matchmaker from hell'…"

The brunet by her side became instantly livelier. "Wanna play again?!" he whispered, with barely contained excitement.

"Fuck yeah… last year was hella fun," Elizaveta recalled. "I'm _so_ playing it again this year! You in, my dear partner in crime?"

"Hell, yes!"

Kiku shifted closer, clutching his books to his chest in anticipation as his friend was already scanning the students for potential victims. Clearly, he'd let the Hungarian choose, she had an infallible hand in picking compatible people and the two of them had one hell of a gift of bringing the couples together afterwards through joint effort and… a series of unfortunate events (because as we all know, the deepest loathing can bloom into a burning passion in the blink of an eye).

Next to him, face scrunched in concentration, Elizaveta was carrying out a meticulous analysis, which turned out to be quick and unforgiving. Not ten minutes later, the axe fell.

"Him," she stated with absolute determination, pointing a red-nailed finger in the direction of a certain bespectacled blond.

"…that grump? Are you sure?" Kiku inquired, looking uncertain.

Elizaveta grinned widely, clapping her hands together loudly. "Very! I say he needs to get some, so let's find him a fresh-faced, sweet little angel. You pick this time."

The Japanese's slender finger tapped thoughtfully against his plump lips as his dark eyes skimmed through the crowd in search for someone new and fitting.

* * *

Already heavy messenger bag slung awkwardly over his shoulder, Berwald walked up the stairs completely unsuspecting of the malevolent plan he'd just become subject to. He made his way down the hall to his first class of the day and was surprised to see that his friend Mathias Kohler was actually not late for once. The Dane looked a mess, as usual, his hair sticking in all possible directions, a baggy black t-shirt unflattering on his lanky frame and his faded black jeans stained with dirt.

"J'z's…" the Swede muttered under his breath, drawing closer and noticing that the other was busy staring in a very obvious manner at a small group standing by the lockers, further away. "M'rning, Mathias," he greeted.

"Berwald, my man!" Mathias jumped in surprise and slapped his palm on the other's back so hard that it nearly sent his glasses flying off his nose. "Aw, man, I'm telling ya, this year's gonna fucking happen!"

"Wh't?"

The Dane shook his head briefly, then motioned in the direction of the people he was observing presently. "I'm so getting into his pants, I'm telling you! All I have to do is get him invited to one of Francis's house parties and the booze is bound to do the trick. Heh, I mean it has worked before and shit." (i.e. * _cough_ * with other people * _cough_ *)

Berwald observed his friend's oblivious and mostly avoidant love interest, Lukas Bondevik, who was currently with his younger brother Emil and another boy he'd never seen before and-…

 _Oh._

"Who's th't with Lukas?" the Swede mumbled, blinking.

"Huh?" Mathias squinted and scratched his head. "Ah, that's… uh… Lukas's cousin, from Finland. Tony or… no, Tino something… He's just transferred here. Why?"

"N'thing…"

Just that Tino wasn't half-bad, in Berwald's humble opinion. Just like his cousin, he had that alluringly slender, delicate frame, pale cheeks barely dusted with pink and soft light-blonde hair falling in uneven bangs on his forehead, but he lacked Bondevik's cold vibe and his large, lilac-colored eyes had something childish and innocent, absolutely delightful. And when he smiled, the world became brighter.

* * *

Berwald had spent the day before in a state of uncharacteristic giddiness. He hadn't been able to focus on anything, neither on what the teachers were explaining nor on his friend's muffled ramblings. He could only think of Tino and Tino alone, as he'd been standing there in one of the pools of sunlight allowed by the building's tall windows, looking like a fairy prince. And, lo and behold, this morning the gods of fortune smiled down on the Swede, for there Tino was, all alone this time, setting his stuff in his locker with his back turned.

Berwald reveled in the sight of the smaller blond's ripped jeans, which allowed enticing glimpses of the pale skin underneath, as well as his extremely delectable backside, sighing dreamily and painfully unaware that the 'matchmaking' gods of hell were watching him in turn. Of course, it was much too early for Berwald to take any sort of action just yet (or so his tightly-fenced comfort zone advised), but standing there gaping like an idiot was sort of bad too, so he started off with light steps, slipping into the stream of students going in the direction of his next class.

Most unfortunately, his intention of passing by the Finn and getting an ever better, close-up view did not go unnoticed by his pursuer, who decided to shadow him closely, spotting an unexpected opportunity.

" 'sup Kiku?" Alfred asked casually, falling in step with the small Japanese student, who bore a determined expression on his face.

"New _project_ ," Kiku explained briefly, eyes on his prey, making the American (who was _always_ game for this shit, truth be told) snicker lightly.

And while Berwald only stared, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly and nearly tripping on his own feet as he passed by the lockers, Kiku took action and delivered a quick, hearty slap to Tino's backside, achieving that sort of perfect synchronization which only came with extended practice. The Finn jumped and nearly banged his head on the top of the locker and, in the split second it took him to turn around, Alfred draped an arm around Kiku's shoulders, pulling the brunet close, then proceeded to answer Tino's shocked stare by shrugging and pointing his finger at Berwald's distancing back.

The Swede, as if feeling an unseen gaze burning the back of his head, looked over his shoulder and was met with Tino's wide-eyed expression. The smaller blond blinked slowly, stunned, his rosy, moist lips parted slightly in awe and Berwald mistook the subsequent scowl arching the other's delicate brow and the tightening of his lips as shy nervousness and a pleasant shiver ran down his spine as he averted his gaze and walked away to his class.

* * *

Elizaveta was of course pleased with the success of the newly debuted operation, but she knew that for the best results a certain amount of patience had to be exercised. Thus, they let a few days pass peacefully until the next move, which required careful observation and above all proper planning.

"Like, why do I have to do this?"

"Because you owe me, Feliks. Do we really need to go through that _again_? Maybe when your boyfriend is around, too?" the Hungarian stated bluntly. "It's not even that much of a favor. Look, all you have to do is to wait until everyone leaves and take care of it, I'll distract Toris if you need me to."

The blond sighed, grimacing. "Okay, but if anyone catches me, I will like, totally tell them that it was your idea!"

"Good luck with anyone believing you. Just don't get caught, okay?" Elizaveta replied sternly and shoved the screwdriver in the Pole's hand.

* * *

Already in his seat, Kiku pretended to leaf though his notes as he observed the students filing into the small amphitheater and occupying their desks. Now they could only hope that everyone would take their usual seats and that the plan would work.

"Feliks had better not have fucked this up," Elizaveta said, slipping into the seat next to her friend and setting her binder on the desk. It was surely going to be an interesting literature class this time and they had been careful to sit relatively close (but not suspiciously so) to their intended victims. "Normally all it takes is a bit of pressure and it won't last long."

Berwald had had similar thoughts in choosing his seat and had done so without arousing Mathias's suspicions either, since they were also close to the Dane's current love interest. He needed to be around Tino whenever he could, study him in silence, maybe even to take notes in reference of future approaching and that very thing spelled his undoing.

Everyone eventually settled and Mr. Edelstein cleared his throat softly, proceeding to launch into a lengthy, monotonous presentation of German romanticism. Elizaveta had a secret crush on the young teacher and hated to disturb his class, but this time it would be totally worth it.

"What if it's not gonna work?" Kiku whispered. "Maybe he's too light or something?"

"Bullshit! I'm gonna kill Fe-"

The Hungarian was brusquely interrupted, a cracking sound breaking the relative silence as Tino's seat gave out and he went under the desk with a yelp, in a flurry of scattered papers. In the following commotion, Mathias burst into laughter with a 'what the fuck' loud enough to reach the Austrian teacher's delicate ears (bringing an expression onto his aristocratic features that even Elizaveta thought priceless) and drawing the class's entire attention.

Berwald was watching with growing concern, hoping that the Finn hadn't gotten hurt in the mishap, but unfortunately Mathias also deemed it fit to observe out loud that someone had had too much to eat for lunch and this time the whole amphitheater burst into laughter. Lukas flipped him the finger and addressed him some obscenities which were drowned by the general noise, but the harm had been done – Tino and Berwald locked eyes and the Swede, embarrassed by his friend, quickly looked away, incriminating himself.

"Marvelous!" the Hungarian giggled, squeezing her friend's arm excitedly. "And since the big guy is already hooked, now all we need to do is to give Väinämöinen a little push."

* * *

"This is too much," Kiku said.

"No, it's not," Elizaveta replied smugly."It's just… bold."

"It's shameless…"

"Yes! Exactly! Berwald will be shameless… a big, shameless, sexy beast!"

* * *

Two days later, the Swede found himself watching in somewhat of a fascination as his crush examined the food offer and shared impressions with his cousins. By some miraculous luck, he'd managed to squeeze in line next to Tino at the cafeteria and now he'd even forgotten what he'd wanted in the first place, completely dazed.

"Yo Berry, snap out of it, man!" Mathias shouted from the back. "You're holding up the fucking line, I want to eat today!"

The Dane's booming voice alerted Tino of his stalker's presence, for he turned his head and threw the taller blond a brief glance and instantly scowled. Well, wasn't he so incredibly cute, pretending to ignore Berwald like that, he was so nervous too… Smiling secretly and giddy with unspoken happiness, Berwald picked a random dish from the rack and moved to pay.

"Oh, please excuse me," a brunette girl squeezed between him and Tino momentarily and ducked to check the ground. "I think I might have dropped something here earlier…"

A little while later, the Swede still hadn't touched his food, barely listening to Mathias, who was digging avidly into his meatballs and making plans for the parties to come, both utterly ignored by their respective crushes, who sat at a withdrawn table together with Lukas's younger sibling, Emil.

And then it happened. When Tino picked up his napkin, a neatly folded little note with a pink heart drawn on top fell from it. He opened it and his face darkened instantly.

" _Just wait and see how I'm going to fuck that damn fine ass of yours, nice and hard!"_

"Tino? What's wrong?" Lukas asked, noticing his cousin's suddenly gloomy mood.

The Finn passed him the note without a word.

"What the fuck?! Who wrote this shit?!"

Meanwhile, the unsuspecting 'culprit' was still sighing in contemplation, lost in the sheer bliss of this moment while soft, classic music was pouring from the sound system and he could lose himself watching Tino. Oh, life was beautiful! And then he saw the Finn standing up slowly, the most adorable expression on his face – his cheeks were deliciously flushed, his thin eyebrows furrowed and his lilac gaze was trained intently on Berwald. And he was so dazed that he barely saw the plastic plate filled with spaghetti Bolognese launched in his direction with impressive strength and precision by Tino's delicate hand.

The saucy dish hit the Swede in full, going splat against his face and making sauce and spaghetti bits fly all around before dropping in his lap with a light thud. Next to him Mathias went brusquely quiet and was in shock for a full minute, at least until Berwald removed his dirty glasses and the resulting 'white goggles' on his face finally made the Dane crack and double over the table.

"OH MY FUCKING GOD, HAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!"

"Th'r's s'me on y'r f'ce too…" Berwald muttered, still stunned in the middle of the now general amusement and not quite able to comprehend what had occurred.

Mathias touched his own cheek and wiped some tomato sauce with a horrified expression, then jumped to his feet. "DO YOU WANT WAAAAR?!" he roared.

"Hey, go fuck yourself, Kohler!" Lukas snapped back, standing in turn, with a belligerent expression.

"What's that Norgie?! You want a piece of me?!" the Dane yelled. "Aww, there you go, baby!" He grabbed a handful of meatballs and threw them heartily at his intended lover.

But Lukas ducked swiftly and the load hit the innocent Francis Bonnefoy in his perfectly wavy hair.

"FUCK YEAH!" someone else shouted and from there all hell broke out.

Kiku and Elizaveta, who had taken prudent refuge under a table the very moment the Dane had stood up, were currently celebrating their little victory.

"Oh my God, such passion," Kiku said exhilarated. "I didn't know he had it in him!"

 _ **To be continued**_

 **A/N – OMG, this is so fucking stupid… *facepalms***


	2. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER 2**

A/N – Hello there! Guess what, I'm back with the final chapter of this work, because shit needs a conclusion, right? So… let's all hope for the best and without further ado (and also because I'm currently out of stupid author notes to bug you with) let's see what the hell happens next. Enjoy!

* * *

"They escaped us yesterday, those little shits! But today… TODAY-…"

Confused and worried as he currently was, Berwald wasn't paying any attention to his friend's rant. All he had been able to gather from the previous day's mess was that someone had sent Tino an offensive note on his behalf and the poor Finn, who was very sensitive, had lost his temper in a moment of ravishing emotion (such that Berwald couldn't blame him, really). But who would do such a foul thing?!

He followed Mathias into the amphitheater for the homeroom class, still pondering, and let his friend lead him to where the Dane had spotted Lukas and his cousin already settled. Luck was on their side too, because the class was about to begin and the two couldn't elude them now, Mathias thought, slipping smoothly into the seat next to the Norwegian and making room for the Swede next to him.

"Hey there, baby!" he greeted with a wide grin, draping his arm loosely over the back of Lukas's seat, as if he hadn't tried to shower him with a load of canteen food aside from his unrestrained affections the day before.

"Fuck you," the pale blond hissed, without bothering to make eye contact.

"Ohh Norgie, we can't right now, but in the first break, baby, I promise you."

"In the first break go die in a ho-"

A heavy silence fell brusquely over the room as, instead of the homeroom teacher, principal Vargas walked in and sat at the desk, scanning the crowd of students with an ominous expression. The Dane slumped in his seat, instinctively trying to make himself smaller as he guessed what this was about.

The Italian let his dark eyes wander around the room casually for a while, allowing the tension to build, before clearing his throat softly.

"My dear students," he said neutrally, leaning forward on his forearms. "An unfortunate event has been brought to my attention yesterday – namely that someone has started an epic food fight in the cafeteria during lunchtime and literally made all hell break loose. Leaving aside the details of how disappointed I am for this kind of things happening in _my school_ (he stressed those two words expressly), I will ask the person who started the whole mess to stand up. Now."

The Swede winced, eyes darting quickly past Mathias to where Tino sat, wondering whether he should do something about it himself, but to his surprise the Finn stood up right away and without hesitation, even if he was terribly pale and the tips of his fingers were tensely gripping the edge of the desk.

Rome Vargas nodded slowly, as if to convey the unimaginable depths of his disapproval, and then looked around the room again, with an expectant air.

"No, no," he said calmly, "Not just Mr. Väinämöinen. I want everyone who joined in the ensuing mayhem to stand up as well."

"Oh shit…" the Dane muttered, still with the stoic jadedness of a veteran troublemaker, while next to him Lukas grumbled something along the lines of 'Mom's gonna kill me…'. "Awww, are you afraid, baby?" he chuckled. "C'mon, let's get up," he prompted, squeezing the smaller blond's hand comfortingly as they both stood.

Berwald stood up too, not because he'd actually thrown any food around himself, but out of a sense of solidarity mixed with the suspicion that having been covered in spaghetti sauce was probably incriminating in itself (there was something akin to a law of nature that there could never be an innocent victim in a food fight, almost everyone succumbed to the impulse of throwing something back the very moment they were hit, accidentally or not). A few others stood up too, more or less hesitantly, among the hushed but excited whispering of their colleagues.

"Hey, Bonnefoy," the Dane called, "What, not going to Valhalla with the rest of us?! What was that, French _consommé_ you poured down my back?"

The whole amphitheater broke into laughter at this and Francis, who kept insisting he had been a victim, was eventually pulled to his feet by his very boyfriend, Arthur, who was already up. Principal Vargas waved his hand to silence the room, then propped his chin ominously in the heel of his palm as he observed the group of guilty students.

"Now, Mr. Väinämöinen, would you please be so kind as to explain to us what devil possessed you to start throwing food around?" he demanded.

"Hehehe, I'm telling you, Kiku, nothing brings people together like adversity," Elizaveta stated, sighing contentedly at how well things were going. And how could one not do so, upon observing the expression of dismayed concern written all over Berwald's face as he was looking at his (currently fucked) love interest?!

And indeed, Berwald could only stare in shock, listening stupefied as the Finn openly accused him - in front of everyone - of two whole weeks of incessant stalking and various abuse – how the Swede had groped him, in the middle of the hallway no less, how he'd 'fixed' his seat in the literature course, causing Tino to fall and hurt his back and how he kept staring at him all the time during classes, everything culminating with the 'anonymous' note which had finally made him snap in a manner so unfortunate.

"Andwhat did this infamous note say?" asked Mr. Vargas, seeing how Tino was rather evasive about the subject.

The Finn produced the crumpled piece of paper out of his back pocket and smoothed it with nervous fingers, fidgeting. "Um… it says… ' _Just wait and see h-how…_ " he paused briefly, taking a deep breath, cheeks reddening more and more. " _H-how I'm going to fuck that d-damn fine ass of yours."_

Suddenly, Mathias reached past the Norwegian and snatched the note from Tino's hand, suspecting foul play, and read it quickly. "' _Nice and hard!'"_ he added out loud, with an air of mock surprise, once again stirring the general amusement.

" _You_ wrote this shit!" Lukas hissed with a murderous expression.

"Baby, trust me on this one, I don't _write_ about fucking people," the Dane replied with a grin. "And I'm gonna give you a demonstration too-" He didn't get to finish the sentence because Lukas instantly shoved his elbow in his stomach violently, effectively knocking the wind out of him.

"MR. BONDEVIK!"

"He has asthma," the Norwegian said calmly, patting Mathias's back gently as the taller blond was struggling to regain his breath.

" _EVERYONE, THAT'S ENOUGH_!" the principal shouted, slamming his palm against the desk repeatedly to silence the noise. "There's absolutely nothing funny about this! Pass me that note! Now!"

The apple of discord was passed from hand to hand all the way down to the principal's desk, where Mr. Vargas took it and examined it with obvious interest. Meanwhile Berwald, who was currently struggling to prepare some defense which would be required of him soon, noticed that the Finn had begun to sob visibly, his nose buried in a crumpled napkin his cousin had promptly offered.

"Okay, okay, I see," the principal concluded, carefully placing the piece of paper in his leather-bound organizer. "Mr. Väinämöinen, you don't impress me, the last time a student was crying in front of me they'd beaten up one of their classmates with a trash can!" He sighed and rubbed his forehead with the tips of his fingers. "Now, Mr. Oxenstierna, what do you have to say for yourself?"

The Swede straightened his back, searching Tino's gaze, but the smaller blond was still fixating the desk before him and still sobbing, a little quieter. Instead, everyone else was staring at him now, more or less avid for some juicy gossip involving a straight-A student for once.

"Well?"

"I n'v'r did any of th't," Berwald stated eventually, wiping his sweaty palms on the sides of his trousers. Vargas didn't say anything, appearing to be pondering, but all sorts of whispers reached the blond's ears, increasing his nervousness tenfold. "I-I wouldn't do t'ht! I w'ld nev'r do anyth'ng to h'rt him!" he added, a bit louder and this time stuttering under Lukas's icy gaze which promised all kinds of hell.

"Because your love is honest and pure," Mathias whispered, accurately reading the blush spreading on his friend's cheeks.

"B'c'use my lo-… I j'st didn't do any of th't!"

"I have a question," the principal said suddenly, again glancing around the room inquisitively, "Since I can't help noticing a certain familiarity in all this… drama, I would like to know whether _someone_ isn't by any chance playing again that game we have all 'enjoyed' so much last year. What's it called, 'Matchmaker from hell'? Hmm?"

He stood up solemnly, again scanning the crowd of students who were now holding their breath in excitement. "Based on the evidence gathered from last year's 'season', I'm going to take a wild guess now…" The Italian tilted his head slightly, pensively. "Mr. Lukasiewicz!" he asked suddenly, "Stand up!"

"Ooooops!" Elizaveta chuckled as the Pole stood up slowly, eyes widened in fear.

"Mr. Lukasiewicz, are _you_ playing 'Matchmaker from hell'?!" the principal demanded.

"N-no, I'm not p-p…"

"No?! Didn't you write some similarly lovely 'notes' last year?" Vargas insisted, sounding genuinely angry now. "Did you think I wouldn't get to identify your handwriting?!"

"This is bad, Feliks knows stuff! He'll tell on us!" Kiku murmured.

"Chill, he has no proof," the Hungarian reassured him.

"I'm g'nna k'll h'm!" Berwald grumbled, finally laying eyes on who he thought to be the nemesis of his budding romance with Tino.

"Alright, all of you in my office now!" Rome Vargas prompted in conclusion. "But don't think I don't know there's several of you involved in this series of exceptionally bad jokes! Rest assured, I will find you all and when I do… it will be bad. Mark my words!"

* * *

"So Berwald, now that your innocence has been established, it's all the more a matter of honor that you kick Tino's ass," Mathias pointed out. "You've been publicly humiliated, not to mention that we now have to wash the dishes in the cafeteria and mop the floors for fucking forever!"

"B't I l'ke T'no," the Swede replied, dropping on the bench with an air of exhaustion. His rehabilitation was still fragile and who could say that his chances had not already gone down the drain?! Darn, it was bad enough that he'd been caught staring and stuff, as innocent as that may have been at the time…

"That has nothing to do with it," the Dane stated. "Count it as an _attitude adjustment_ , that little scoundrel needs one, and badly."

But Berwald could never think of that, all the more since he lifted his gaze and saw the Finn walking towards them, looking like he wanted to say something. But what?! Berwald's poor heart throbbed with painful anticipation, maybe Tino wasn't too mad at him? Maybe he would care to listen and Berwald could apologize for making him feel awkward and stuff?

"M'thias, j'st don't s'y an'th'ng," the Swede asked his friend, who had crossed his arms, waiting to see what this was about.

Tino's cheeks were flushed and he still looked a bit upset from earlier, and nervous too, his hands stuffed deep in the pockets of his jeans. He cleared his throat softly and sniffed, rolling awkwardly on the balls of his feet as he was looking anywhere but at Berwald's face.

"Um… I a-actually… I want t-to offer you an a-apology-"

"You'd better offer him that'damn fine ass' everyone's talking about now," Mathias suggested smoothly, wriggling his eyebrows, before he was heartily swatted over the head by a certain Norwegian who had crept up behind him unheard.

"I think _you_ need an attitude adjustment, right now," Lukas observed grimly, yanking the back of the Dane's collar and making him fall off the bench. "You're coming with me. Now."

"Help! Someone save me!" Mathias whined, as the smaller blond pulled at his arm relentlessly. "Have mercy people! I'm being dragged away by the King of Trolls! He's gonna take me to his lair and- OWWWW!"

Berwald stood and adjusted his spectacles to conceal his embarrassment, wincing when the Finn moved as if to take a step back. Was he really that scary? And damn Mathias and his stupid antics!

"I'm s'rry ab't wh't m' fr'nd said j'st n'w, he d'dn't mean it… 'nd I n'v'r m'nt to ups't you eith'r!" he said as softly as he could, reaching out and taking Tino's small hand in his. "W-W'ld you like to h've a c'p of c'ffee? 's b'n a l'ng day 'nd all…"

Tino smiled lightly this time, nodding. "Sure, a cup of coffee sounds great!"

A bit further away, a certain Hungarian and her brunet friend were snapping away pictures for their shared scrapbook. "Ahhhh, love is so beautiful," Elizaveta sighed. "So… who's next?"

 **THE END**

 **A/N – OMG, more of that awful stuff… *facepalms* But… L.O.V.E, enough said.**


End file.
